Savior
by Alexiel Reborn
Summary: Goku ponders about his sun. What is this thing called "love" anyway? 39, some hints for 58 ONESHOT


**Author's Note:** Goku's thoughts about Sanzo. I just finished watching the last dvd of Saiyuki and I was really inspired by some of the scenes. And by the way, this is a oneshot.

**Savior**

_By: Neko-kyolover_

You're always there, shining so bright. You're just like the sun in the way that I can feel your rays of light touching my face as I look up at you. And yet every time I reach out to take a hold of you I find that I'm grabbing onto empty air. I know I'm being selfish by wanting to hold onto you when I'm lucky enough as it is just being with you, but I can't stop. Maybe…if I had never known you than I could have lived without you…but not now.

I don't remember really much of anything before there was you. You're the one that freed me from the darkness, the loneliness. You're the one that helped me realize what true freedom is, the person that was there to reach out his hand and show me how bright the world could truly be.

Now that I'm here, with you, I want to dedicate everything I am to you. I want to love you with everything that I am. Looking down at these small hands, I want to be able to protect you. I don't want to ever fail you, Sanzo. I want you to realize, that no matter what you say, or how you act, I still admire you because you're my sun…my shining sun in the eternity of darkness. Nothing else in this world is brighter than your light.

Yet, Sanzo, I feel like now you're fading far away from me. Why won't you look me in the eyes anymore? Is it that…I'm no longer worthy? Lately, you've been so distant, it makes me wonder. What goes on in your head? What are you feeling?

Yesterday it was raining. Drops falling endlessly from the sky. I remember you saying how you hated the rain. I never really understood why, but…I was standing there by the window, despising every single drop that fell from that cursed sky. You know why, because I can't stand to see it when you're sad.

I know you're sad. Why do you try to hide it from me?

A while ago I asked Hakkai what love really was. At first his eyes widened at my question. Is it such a weird question to ask? Anyway, he told me that it was something gentle and something wild, something that couldn't be destroyed, but was as fragile as glass. I don't really understand what he was talking about, but I saw him glance at Gojyo and he got a weird look on his face. I didn't quite understand that either.

This 'love' that everyone talks about, I know Sanzo doesn't like it. At first I didn't understand why he didn't, but…as more time passed I realized why he didn't. I love Sanzo with everything I am, but, I'm not quite sure if he loves me back. It hurts a lot at night when I try to fall asleep, listening to the sound of him breathing, knowing that everything that I want is right there, inches away from my fingertips, but I'm too afraid to reach for him.

I want to dedicate my entire life to him. I want to be with him. I want to talk with him, fight with him, eat every meal with him! Even if he yells, even if he whacks me with his paper fan, it's alright because I know that he's always gonna be there. That's how I want my life to always be.

And when…I hear his voice…that voice that I'm never gonna forget…I feel like I'm just starting to live again. And the look on his face when he's sleeping and he thinks no one knows. I'll pretend to be asleep all night just to catch him off guard sometimes. When I trace my fingers across his features, wondering if he knows that I'm there and is just pretending to be asleep, I could care less about the rest of the world.

I never want to be without his light.

I can feel it in the rare silences, when we're driving and he's staring off into the distance, gazing at that destination that we never seem to quite reach. And then when me and Gojyo begin to fight and he turns around to whack me with his fan, I don't even care about the pain, as long as all he's thinking about is me.

Sanzo, you always seem to be the destination I'm never reaching. You're always the one thing in life I can never seem to have. Why did you lock yourself away? I know you're hiding yourself from everybody…from me. I can see the hurt in your eyes and how you turn it into anger and the pure will to survive. I know you've fought a tough battle.

I want to heal you. I want to help you. Why can't I help you? Why can't I care for you? Why do you always turn away all offers for help? Why do you shun love?

Is it because you're afraid of being weak? Afraid of…loving someone so much…and then losing them?

I don't understand these things. Even if I wanted to, I could never stop loving you, so why do you hold back?

Sometimes when I'm standing next to you, I get this urge to run up to you and just grab a hold of you. I just want to stand there and hold you all day, but I always manage to stop myself before I even get close. I can't love you, can I? You would never allow it. We can't afford to have any weaknesses on our mission.

You think I don't notice when your hands quiver during the night when you're sitting up late, staring out the window. You'll pull out another cigarette and curse and get that look on your face, the one you always try to hide from me. That look tells me just how much you feel inside, even if you don't admit it to yourself.

Someday I'm going to take those quivering hands in my own, and even if you kill me, I'm going to tell you how much I really do love you. I'm going to dedicate my life to you, whether you like it or not because…everyone needs someone to love them, everyone needs someone to care.

I want to be the one to love you Sanzo.

I want to be the one who really cares.

And most of all…

I want to finally be the one to save you…

Sanzo…my savior…

The end


End file.
